Not sure why I'm posting about this...I just hope it helps to clear my head.

So, this is a way random post but it's been way too frequent in my head. Some of you may laugh and some might try to share advice (which I still have hope that it might help) and some may just say to yourself, "she's such a wimp" or "she's just psyching herself out." I wish that was the case...! Some of you even already know because I definitely have a hard time keeping it to myself.

I want to first start off by saying that I am currently not pregnant nor have any plans in the near future to be pregnant. With that said, the reason why is because I am terrified. I admit, I believe it is due to a lot of misconceptions I've had over the years from friends who've had babies and their experiences of pregnancy. It's not so much that I'm afraid of the labor aspect, or that our lives will change forever with a new one because honestly, I am sooo excited to be a mom someday! I just have control issues, I think. I don't like knowing that I don't have any control over my body for NINE MONTHS! I don't want morning sickness that won't go away, I don't want heartburn, I don't want more headaches than I already get, I just don't want to be uncomfortable for so long and still try to have a life and pretend that I'm feeling normal. I'm sure this is something that I'll just have to get over when I eventually do find out that I'm pregnant but as for right now, it is DEFINITELY preventing me from getting to that point.

Several posts ago, I blogged about problems with my birth control implant that had to eventually be removed. I was absolutely miserable for two months with anxiety, being nauseous, constant horrible headaches and not getting enough sleep that I think my mind has associated those symptoms from birth control hormones to be similar to what I will experience in actuality. However, since having it removed, I almost think I have more anxiety because of the increased risk of getting pregnant. I don't know why I have such a hard time with the thoughts/feelings of this and honestly, it really bothers me! I feel like I'm being selfish or that "I'm not enough of a woman" to handle it. It may not even be as bad as I am anticipating...I'm in need of some positive reinforcement that I can keep telling myself when these thoughts occur. Got any?!!

No Regrets

Through having one of the easiest semesters of my college career, I seemed to have learned the most about myself thus far. To others, this may come as an embarrassment of being asked how old I am and going to school at this particular campus. I'm 26 and I'm attending a 2-year school. Sound pathetic? I don't care. I was asked to write a simple 2-page paper that required me to look back in my life at any specific event that has shaped me as the person that I feel I am today, and to find a career that would be a good match to that particular event.

I looked back at my family life as a kid. I had a great upbringing! Awesome parents, the funnest three younger sisters ever, family vacations and Friday night treat-nights. I looked back at the memories I had of all my best girlfriends. We we're inseparable! Every weekend was a sleepover with probably 12-14 of us, without fail! We had some drama, we had some laughs and we had some cries together, all of which I will never forget. High school was great also! I had a good group of friends there too. I had fun doing what I loved, being in Cosmetology and getting my license, going to pep rallies, seeing all my friends during passing periods, and eating lunch at "the cool table."

None seemed to enlighten me on which career would fit until I looked back to "post high school." Some of the biggest events that seemed to twinge my emotional nerve we're my grandparents passing away. Realizing that college wasn't my knack, although I got a 4.0 my first semester, I just did not enjoy the experience. Moving out on my own only to find myself in an abusive marriage. Upon getting out of that situation, finding a really good job that I was able to support myself on. Not that my parents wouldn't have helped me but I was bound and determined to "be my own person." Then, since becoming "my own person," I have found someone who truly loves me and I, the same for him! It's funny because I thought to myself that with the exception of my career and marrying Josh, that most of those experiences we're so negative at the time. I would hate to have a career that was centered around that.

I won't go into detail on the career that I chose because it's slightly irrelevant but it helped me put into perspective the feelings I had when being asked how old I was and why I was still at Snow College. I realized that in the past seven years or so since graduation, I have had a life that most of these "younger college kids" and even some my age haven't had. It's typical for kids to go straight to college after graduation...some of which I still believe are mentally still stuck in high school. (just in my opinion.) But I have had a "life!" I've had a career that paid really well, I've lived in and paid for my own place, along with all of my expenses- and it was a really nice place at that! I've traveled to quite a few different places. I've been married twice (not for bragging rights by any means but the experiences are quite significant.)

I know who I am today because of these experiences. I don't believe I'll recite this to the next person that asks how old I am but I know that when that time comes, I won't lie about my age (not that I ever did!) I will feel proud that I am in school when I thought it wasn't meant for me, and that I'm married to an amazing man when I thought there weren't any out there and that I've seen places that I thought I'd never get to go to before and after marrying Josh and that I know that I am a strong individual who chooses the path her life will take and can change that path when it's misdirected. I know that when/if I needed to, I know that I have great career experience and can support myself and my family and lastly, that family is the most precious gift anyone could have.

Because of this, I have no regrets.

Camping in Maple Grove

This last weekend, Josh and I packed up after school to meet up with Dustin and Tash for a lil' camping trip! It was so much fun! We got to Maple Grove, which isn't too far from us, around 4 or 5 and set up camp...for some reason the guys decided to set up our tent a million miles from the campfire. Not ideal since it was so cold but it made for a pretty back drop!

It was my mom's birthday so I was on the phone with her when Tash took this. That night, we cooked tin foil dinners and snacked a lot.

The boys found this stream not too far from our campsite and Josh managed to catch him a snack for later...

Meanwhile, Tash and I decide its PJ time... it was soooo cold!

The next morning, the guys left us for another fishing spot so Tash and I grabbed the other pole and set out to find us a little fishing spot of our own. They didn't leave any worms for us but luckily there was a bag of Marshmellows which we later found out, doesn't work.

This was the spot we found and these are the fish we caught! We didn't wanna get showed up by the guys so we caught a few and even gutted them ourselves! Josh said he was so proud of me...I made it look like it was nothing to gut them but in my head, I was so disgusted! haha

Tash, don't kill me because I know you probably don't like this but look how big my little niece is getting!!! I can't wait to meet her!

We had so much fun but Tash and I were so glad to get back home to our hot showers. We love you guys and we'll do this again soon...maybe with baby! ;D

A Very Unwelcomed Event...

So, as I mentioned in my last post a little blurb about how I felt like my birth control implant was messing me up...well it did quite a little number to me this week. For the past, almost 2 months, I have felt extreme discomfort fairly consistantly throughout the day, everyday. I had a really strong nervous feeling...butterflies times a million for no absolute reason. My heart would race and pound really fast and really hard which made me dizzy and light-headed. I also would shake, almost like I had the cold chills except that I was really hot! My shakes were so bad that at night, it would wake Josh up and he's no light sleeper. It literally drained my energy everyday.

After dealing with this for so long, I had enough. I scheduled an appointment in Dallas with my "girly-doctor" which happened to be on my birthday. All of this happened also while all my sisters and their husbands/fiance were intown from Utah for our August birthday celebrations. So bummed! Anyway, at my appointment, I told my doctor all of my symptoms and that I needed this out of my arm asap. Well, she wouldn't do it. She drew about 4 viles of blood to test for a few things but I knew it wasn't going to return any results. I was devastated. In my gut, ever since the beginning, I knew my birth control was the cause. Well I went home...and cried. I didn't want to have this anymore. We need to finish up our summer here in Houston, prepare for our long-haul home, school starts and we're leaving for Cancun in less than 3 weeks! I want to feel like myself and feel good for another new semester!

After celebrating my dad and I's birthday on Monday on the lake, we went home and for some reason kept feeling this sharp, quick little pulse of pain on the left side of my chest. I ignored it, I was so tired and just went to bed. About 5am, I woke up with my heart racing again except this time, I literally thought my heart would give out because it was pounding so hard. I started to get up to go to the restroom and the entire room started spinning. I was so light-headed. I made my way to my mom and dad's room and laid down next to my mom to have her check my pulse rate. Luckily she works in the cardiac department of our hospital. She felt my heart and rolled over to wake my dad up to have him feel it. Immediately, we were getting dressed to go to the emergency room. I was terrified! My dad said he's never felt a heart beat so hard that it was moving my whole ribcage. All along, I knew this was my birth control. The nurse put about 12 patches on me and hooked me up for an EKG. They also drew another 5-6 viles of blood for more testing. We were there for about 4 hours and the doctor said everything was normal except to get the birth control out! Thank you, Dr! I knew it!!! My gyno doctor is in the same hospital so I went upstairs right after I was released to tell her what had happened. She still didn't believe the birth control was the cause but I didn't care, I just told her to take it out and she did!

Ever since Tuesday, I haven't had any episodes and feel pretty good except for that I'm extremely tired and will be until my hormones balance out again. But that's normal. I've been a little emotional (not from hormones) but because it really touches my heart how my parents dropped everything to help me get this taken care of and how loving and supportive my family is in times of need. I'm also so very thankful that my Heavenly Father has watched over me and blessed me quite a bit throughout this entire ordeal. I'm so thankful for all the love and concern from family and loved ones, I can't ask for any better people in my life...

Just a lil' update...

Well, our time here in Texas is almost up. I'm so sad but also ready to get back to Utah to finish up school there. A lot of people have asked about our plans for the next few years so why not share it with everyone?! Here goes...

As fast has this summer has come and gone, we'll be done here in Houston by the end of the month and headed back to Utah. Not looking forward to the drive but it's inevitable. We have one more semester at Snow College in Ephraim and then by Christmas break, we plan to move up to Layton for another year of school at Weber State. Josh has been really excited to go to Weber, they have the only Technical Sales program on this side of the Mississippi. He wants to pursue medical sales as his ultimate career, as of right now. He kinda waivers back and forth between a few different things but it's medical sales for right now. As soon as we're done in Layton, we will be heading back to the Great State of Texas, buying a house and getting our roots dug in. We've been looking online and getting MILLIONS of ideas for when we do buy a house. We're dying to buy a fixer-upper and do what we want to the place, I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it.

As much as I love that Josh has this opportunity for a job with Platinum and it really has been very good to us, I am just not the type to pack up and move every 6-8 months. Im a consistant type of person and it's hard to keep a routine under the circumstances. Which kinda leads me to the next tidbit.

I've had alot of anxiety lately. Most of it is unexplained, like, I don't know the cause for it because I'm not really stressed or under pressure. I've done a lot of research and it's either Generalized Anxiety Disorder or my birth control implant. But it just comes over me several times a day during a bad week and several times a week for a good week. I've never had it this bad. It makes me so weak, nauseated, light-headed and really emotional. I would even wake up in the middle of the night shaking so bad that it wakes Josh up, and that's no easy task! To clear the air, several people have asked if I was pregnant. No, I most definatly am not. I hate it though, I've almost been kinda reclusive the last month or so. I get so nervous to go out with everyone and have a break-down. I felt so bad for Josh a few weeks ago. He had the hardest day ever and I already wasn't feeling too good. I called my mom, this was before Josh got home, and I was crying and sobbing like a baby- I couldn't control it! It felt like a panic attack because I almost couldn't breathe. My mom kinda talked me through it and I was okay for the time being but as soon as Josh walked through the door, it started all over again. It was a long night to say the least. If anyone has any tips, ideas or advice, it's greatly welcomed.

Overall though, this has been a great summer. Josh has done really well selling. Leo loves it here as opposed to our basement apartment in Utah. He loves sitting on the balcony watching the birds and soaking up the sun. I have loved being relatively close to my family this summer. We've been able to spend a lot of time together and have LOVED every minute of it. Next week, Devin and her boyfriend, Dallas and Jordan and her husband, Blaine are all driving here for a big August birthday bash. Jordan's birthday is today, Josh's is on the 11th, my dad and I share a birthday on the 16th and Dallas's is on the 23rd. We figured that since were all in town and my mom's birthday is Sept. 10th that she could pretend to be an August baby as well and celebrate hers since we'll all be in town. I'll update party pics as soon as possible...

Anyway, that's our story for now. Next time I update, it may be from Utah...

Goodbye Texas, I heart you.

Mr. and Mrs. Buhanan!

Jared and Lydia are finally married!!!

The wedding was beautiful, the bride glowing and Jared grinning from ear to ear! I was so glad I could be there! Growing up, this group of us girls; probably 12+ were inseparable. We've all laughed together, seen each other at our worst and been there for each other at our best. We were and still are the best of friends and I would do anything for any one of them!

I love Lydia to death and was so glad that she has found Jared who has made her sooo happy! She totally deserves it. Jared is the greatest guy...aside from my husband although I do think Josh agrees! We love you guys and are so happy for you two.

Joel Osteen

Last Saturday night, 6/26/10, a few of us wives set for some inspiration. We had heard that Joel Osteen was having a Saturday night service at his arena-style Lakewood Church. Growing up in Texas, I had heard a lot about him not to mention he's been on Oprah and on Barbara Walters list of the top 10 most fascinating people. He had to be good, so why not?!


When we got there, we were trying to figure out where we should sit and this usher asked if we wanted to sit up front. So we said sure, thinking we would just be somewhere in the front of MANY sections in the church. She literally walked us to the very front...3rd row, right in front of him to be exact. And then here come all the lights, the band, the clapping...haha. You could definitely tell I was a visitor because I was tired of clapping after the first 10 minutes! It was really entertaining though! I honestly loved the music, especially the lyrics-it was really a great service!


Joel and his wife, Victoria talked a lot about getting rid of people in your life that weigh you down. As harsh as that sounds, it really made sense! Our life is too short to drag others along who try to tear us down along the way. Our lives and circle of friends should include those who will help build you up, help you reach your goals and motivate you when you hit a rough spot. One thing that really has stuck with me is just a simple phrase that is beneficial to all of us in any endeavor we are pursuing- "Today is the Day!" Whether it's obtaining a healthy lifestyle, quitting addictions, stopping any negative self perceptions...anything! Whatever you want to work on, "Today is the day to...(insert goal here.)" I took quite a bit of notes, well quotes really. After the service, our usher who sat us, asked if we wanted to meet Pastor Joel. So we met him after the service at his book signing for his new book that was recently released. I didnt want to buy his book (don't worry, I didnt tell him that) so he signed my journal instead! How cool!