So, this is a way random post but it's been way too frequent in my head. Some of you may laugh and some might try to share advice (which I still have hope that it might help) and some may just say to yourself, "she's such a wimp" or "she's just psyching herself out." I wish that was the case...! Some of you even already know because I definitely have a hard time keeping it to myself.
I want to first start off by saying that I am currently not pregnant nor have any plans in the near future to be pregnant. With that said, the reason why is because I am terrified. I admit, I believe it is due to a lot of misconceptions I've had over the years from friends who've had babies and their experiences of pregnancy. It's not so much that I'm afraid of the labor aspect, or that our lives will change forever with a new one because honestly, I am sooo excited to be a mom someday! I just have control issues, I think. I don't like knowing that I don't have any control over my body for NINE MONTHS! I don't want morning sickness that won't go away, I don't want heartburn, I don't want more headaches than I already get, I just don't want to be uncomfortable for so long and still try to have a life and pretend that I'm feeling normal. I'm sure this is something that I'll just have to get over when I eventually do find out that I'm pregnant but as for right now, it is DEFINITELY preventing me from getting to that point.
Several posts ago, I blogged about problems with my birth control implant that had to eventually be removed. I was absolutely miserable for two months with anxiety, being nauseous, constant horrible headaches and not getting enough sleep that I think my mind has associated those symptoms from birth control hormones to be similar to what I will experience in actuality. However, since having it removed, I almost think I have more anxiety because of the increased risk of getting pregnant. I don't know why I have such a hard time with the thoughts/feelings of this and honestly, it really bothers me! I feel like I'm being selfish or that "I'm not enough of a woman" to handle it. It may not even be as bad as I am anticipating...I'm in need of some positive reinforcement that I can keep telling myself when these thoughts occur. Got any?!!