So, this is a way random post but it's been way too frequent in my head. Some of you may laugh and some might try to share advice (which I still have hope that it might help) and some may just say to yourself, "she's such a wimp" or "she's just psyching herself out." I wish that was the case...! Some of you even already know because I definitely have a hard time keeping it to myself.
I want to first start off by saying that I am currently not pregnant nor have any plans in the near future to be pregnant. With that said, the reason why is because I am terrified. I admit, I believe it is due to a lot of misconceptions I've had over the years from friends who've had babies and their experiences of pregnancy. It's not so much that I'm afraid of the labor aspect, or that our lives will change forever with a new one because honestly, I am sooo excited to be a mom someday! I just have control issues, I think. I don't like knowing that I don't have any control over my body for NINE MONTHS! I don't want morning sickness that won't go away, I don't want heartburn, I don't want more headaches than I already get, I just don't want to be uncomfortable for so long and still try to have a life and pretend that I'm feeling normal. I'm sure this is something that I'll just have to get over when I eventually do find out that I'm pregnant but as for right now, it is DEFINITELY preventing me from getting to that point.
Several posts ago, I blogged about problems with my birth control implant that had to eventually be removed. I was absolutely miserable for two months with anxiety, being nauseous, constant horrible headaches and not getting enough sleep that I think my mind has associated those symptoms from birth control hormones to be similar to what I will experience in actuality. However, since having it removed, I almost think I have more anxiety because of the increased risk of getting pregnant. I don't know why I have such a hard time with the thoughts/feelings of this and honestly, it really bothers me! I feel like I'm being selfish or that "I'm not enough of a woman" to handle it. It may not even be as bad as I am anticipating...I'm in need of some positive reinforcement that I can keep telling myself when these thoughts occur. Got any?!!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
No Regrets
Through having one of the easiest semesters of my college career, I seemed to have learned the most about myself thus far. To others, this may come as an embarrassment of being asked how old I am and going to school at this particular campus. I'm 26 and I'm attending a 2-year school. Sound pathetic? I don't care. I was asked to write a simple 2-page paper that required me to look back in my life at any specific event that has shaped me as the person that I feel I am today, and to find a career that would be a good match to that particular event.
I looked back at my family life as a kid. I had a great upbringing! Awesome parents, the funnest three younger sisters ever, family vacations and Friday night treat-nights. I looked back at the memories I had of all my best girlfriends. We we're inseparable! Every weekend was a sleepover with probably 12-14 of us, without fail! We had some drama, we had some laughs and we had some cries together, all of which I will never forget. High school was great also! I had a good group of friends there too. I had fun doing what I loved, being in Cosmetology and getting my license, going to pep rallies, seeing all my friends during passing periods, and eating lunch at "the cool table."
None seemed to enlighten me on which career would fit until I looked back to "post high school." Some of the biggest events that seemed to twinge my emotional nerve we're my grandparents passing away. Realizing that college wasn't my knack, although I got a 4.0 my first semester, I just did not enjoy the experience. Moving out on my own only to find myself in an abusive marriage. Upon getting out of that situation, finding a really good job that I was able to support myself on. Not that my parents wouldn't have helped me but I was bound and determined to "be my own person." Then, since becoming "my own person," I have found someone who truly loves me and I, the same for him! It's funny because I thought to myself that with the exception of my career and marrying Josh, that most of those experiences we're so negative at the time. I would hate to have a career that was centered around that.
I won't go into detail on the career that I chose because it's slightly irrelevant but it helped me put into perspective the feelings I had when being asked how old I was and why I was still at Snow College. I realized that in the past seven years or so since graduation, I have had a life that most of these "younger college kids" and even some my age haven't had. It's typical for kids to go straight to college after graduation...some of which I still believe are mentally still stuck in high school. (just in my opinion.) But I have had a "life!" I've had a career that paid really well, I've lived in and paid for my own place, along with all of my expenses- and it was a really nice place at that! I've traveled to quite a few different places. I've been married twice (not for bragging rights by any means but the experiences are quite significant.)
I know who I am today because of these experiences. I don't believe I'll recite this to the next person that asks how old I am but I know that when that time comes, I won't lie about my age (not that I ever did!) I will feel proud that I am in school when I thought it wasn't meant for me, and that I'm married to an amazing man when I thought there weren't any out there and that I've seen places that I thought I'd never get to go to before and after marrying Josh and that I know that I am a strong individual who chooses the path her life will take and can change that path when it's misdirected. I know that when/if I needed to, I know that I have great career experience and can support myself and my family and lastly, that family is the most precious gift anyone could have.
Because of this, I have no regrets.
I looked back at my family life as a kid. I had a great upbringing! Awesome parents, the funnest three younger sisters ever, family vacations and Friday night treat-nights. I looked back at the memories I had of all my best girlfriends. We we're inseparable! Every weekend was a sleepover with probably 12-14 of us, without fail! We had some drama, we had some laughs and we had some cries together, all of which I will never forget. High school was great also! I had a good group of friends there too. I had fun doing what I loved, being in Cosmetology and getting my license, going to pep rallies, seeing all my friends during passing periods, and eating lunch at "the cool table."
None seemed to enlighten me on which career would fit until I looked back to "post high school." Some of the biggest events that seemed to twinge my emotional nerve we're my grandparents passing away. Realizing that college wasn't my knack, although I got a 4.0 my first semester, I just did not enjoy the experience. Moving out on my own only to find myself in an abusive marriage. Upon getting out of that situation, finding a really good job that I was able to support myself on. Not that my parents wouldn't have helped me but I was bound and determined to "be my own person." Then, since becoming "my own person," I have found someone who truly loves me and I, the same for him! It's funny because I thought to myself that with the exception of my career and marrying Josh, that most of those experiences we're so negative at the time. I would hate to have a career that was centered around that.
I won't go into detail on the career that I chose because it's slightly irrelevant but it helped me put into perspective the feelings I had when being asked how old I was and why I was still at Snow College. I realized that in the past seven years or so since graduation, I have had a life that most of these "younger college kids" and even some my age haven't had. It's typical for kids to go straight to college after graduation...some of which I still believe are mentally still stuck in high school. (just in my opinion.) But I have had a "life!" I've had a career that paid really well, I've lived in and paid for my own place, along with all of my expenses- and it was a really nice place at that! I've traveled to quite a few different places. I've been married twice (not for bragging rights by any means but the experiences are quite significant.)
I know who I am today because of these experiences. I don't believe I'll recite this to the next person that asks how old I am but I know that when that time comes, I won't lie about my age (not that I ever did!) I will feel proud that I am in school when I thought it wasn't meant for me, and that I'm married to an amazing man when I thought there weren't any out there and that I've seen places that I thought I'd never get to go to before and after marrying Josh and that I know that I am a strong individual who chooses the path her life will take and can change that path when it's misdirected. I know that when/if I needed to, I know that I have great career experience and can support myself and my family and lastly, that family is the most precious gift anyone could have.
Because of this, I have no regrets.
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